The Magic Apology Trick

Having a lively conversation on Twitter a few days ago about exactly when the rock group Genesis was ‘pre Phil Collins.’ Collins joined the group in 1970, but the personality of the group was still determined by lead vocalist and primary songwriter Peter Gabriel. Collins did do some lead vocals during the 70-75 ‘Gabriel’ era, and took over entirely when Peter left. None of that is important, nor is it business-related. What happened next is both.

When the conversation reached this juncture, the other person wrote something about ‘wasting time in a silly argument about a band.’ Clearly, they hadn’t been having ‘a lively conversation’ but an argument. (Oblique lesson: remember, kids, that email, IM, Twitter, any written communication, reads much flatter than you meant; plain simple statements, without the warmth of a facial expression and tone of voice, can sound harsh and obnoxious.)

At this point, the right thing is to apologize for giving offense.

That’s not enough. It’s the right direction, but doesn’t go far enough. An apology might alleviate further damage, but rarely does what we’d like as far as cleaning up the mess.

Wouldn’t it be nice, instead of simply stopping the negative flow, to create a positive direction in the relationship? Here’s how: make the apology excessive. Make it a big, passionate, almost over-the-top plea for forgiveness. Now, it’s important that your motives are good, or this will come out sounding like sarcasm. But if you really feel passionately about reconnecting with someone, soothing hurt feelings, a sincere but excessive apology creates a sort of yo-yo of emotional energy; the other person actually feels compelled, now, to comfort you! They will almost inevitably apologize back, actively looking for a way to reconnect with you—which is what we wanted, right?

Here’s the bonus tip: if someone’s perturbed, and taking it out on you even though it’s obviously not your fault, apologize. Same trick, same results. In this case, any apology is excessive. “I’m really sorry about the traffic today; I can imagine how frustrating that was.” Emotional yo-yo again.

An apology where unwarranted, or excessive where warranted. Magic trick to smooth ruffled feathers and take the smoke and sting out of a conversation and let you get back to business.

Don’t Depend on Your Memory

There’s a marvelous tool that will help you free up mental energy, while ensuring that you’ll remember important ideas, facts, and feelings.

It’s a notebook.

I’ve spent an hour this morning trying to remember the details of a conversation I had with a client, so I can write an outline for our next coaching session. I feel like I’m not providing the real value I want to deliver when I can’t get back in the emotional moment that sparked a very clear picture of our next chat; our direction for the next session.

Thing is, I really was taking notes—but on what my client was saying, not on what I was saying. I mean, I’ll remember my own words, right?

As a matter of fact, no; I don’t.

I’m planning on recording these calls, strictly so I can go back and review what was said and how it was said, to recapture the emotional impact. My benefit comes from changing how people feel based on what they think about, not just sharing facts for them to sort out in their own head.

My dad never went anywhere without a little thirty-nine cent notebook in his shirt pocket (he write in it with a fountain pen, in green ink—but that’s another story.) When he needed to remember something, he just wrote it down. Not only did he actually remember things later (reviewing the notes) but his mind was free to concentrate on the moment instead of spending part of its energy remembering the three simple little things he needed to remember—they were in the notebook, not his head.

Seth Godin: Good Guys Finish . . .

I try to avoid ‘me, too!’ posts, but Seth says what I’m thinking so I’ll just point you to him.

The Bucket and the Basket

Ask a business owner what would motivate his unhappy employees and most will answer “More money!” Unless his people are genuinely underpaid, he’s wrong.

Frederick Herzberg’s studies on mental health in business are a sort of practical application of Maslow’s heirarchy of needs (which, by the way, isn’t really heirarchical.) Often called The Two Factor Theory, Herzberg’s Motivation-Hygiene Theory shows that, as expected, there are things in our work which make us happy, and things which make us unhappy. What’s unexpected is that they’re not the same things.

Certain aspects of work fall into the ‘preventing dissatisfaction’ bucket. Workers need to be paid fairly. They need safe working conditions and reasonable hours. If these needs aren’t met, workers will be unhappy.

Which is very different from saying that if they are met, workers will be happy.

Other aspects of work fall into the ‘creating satisfaction’ basket. recognition, advancement, meaningful work, a sense of achievement—when these things are present, they increase happiness (which, we assume, will increase production and value; this assumption is intrinsic to Herzberg’s work.)

Which, again, is not the same as saying they decrease dissatisfaction.

The ‘preventing dissatisfaction’ bucket gets filled with water. Pay enough money, have a safe workplace, meet the basic needs, and the bucket is full. Add more water (by paying more money, for instance) and it doesn’t pile up—it overflows. Once dissatisfaction has been reduced as far as possible (hopefully, eliminated) there’s no value in trying to reduce it further.

It’s not a long scale with ‘unhappy’ at one end and ‘happy’ at the other. It’s not a zero sum game, where reducing dissatisfaction equals increasing satisfaction.

What you have is two separate containers. Once the ‘preventing dissatisfaction’ bucket is full, you can’t fill it more. But the ‘creating satisfaction’ basket—that, you can pile to the sky.

Recognition? There’s no such thing as too much. Tell every employee, every day, how much you value their loyalty and hard work. Do it sincerely. Read The Carrot Principle and put it into practice.

Achievement? How about helping every employee do as much as they can? It helps fill their satisfaction basket, and fills yours at the same time.

Keep checking the ‘prevents dissatisfaction’ bucket, ’cause sometimes it leaks. But once you’ve got it full (or if it was full to begin with, for you A+ entrepreneurs) focus on creating satisfaction for your employees and customers.

And at the same time, you’ll be creating your own.

Sacramento Speaker’s Meetup Great Tip Exchange

We meet each month with a group of professional and aspiring speakers who are one of the most inspiring and bright groups we’re part of.

Last night’s meeting was “The Great Tip Exchange.” Members shared two minutes of their favorite books, web tools, business strategies, and philosophies. Sue took extensive notes and posted them at the NorCal Speaker’s social network.

Non-members can read all the info and follow the links, but if you have anything to add feel free to join the group and post your comments.

Next week, I’m hoping to introduce you to a handful of folks from all over the world. I’m excited about the possibilities this group opens and just couldn’t wait ’til next week to mention them, even though I’m not quite ready to unveil them yet.

Communication Mirroring

A friend asked why the information in the videos is essentially the same as what’s written here, raising the issue of learning styles. Learning being simply a specialized type of communication, let’s broaden the scope and discuss communication mirroring.

A few years ago I was trying to complete a search tool for a client. It seemed that no matter how many emails I sent to the hosting contact, things moved like molasses, and often in the wrong direction. I’d send an email, they’d leave a voicemail on my phone, I’d email to correct their confusion, and so on.

Have I mentioned how much I hate talking on the phone?

Finally, in frustration, I actually picked up the phone, and things were resolved, correctly, in less than five minutes.

I don’t know how much evidence I’d been given before this, but in a camel/straw moment I realized that I’d been using my style of communication instead of his. As soon as I mirrored what he’d been trying to do all along, the dam burst.

We all have our favorite method of communication. Mine is email; a close friend rarely emails more than three words, but will stay on the phone as long as I’m willing to. But, just like we don’t get to choose how we’re perceived by others (see “There is no Reality; Only Perception” below) we can’t successfully shove people into our communication method.

A prospect who emails should get an email, not a phone call, in return. While the email should be sent off just as quickly as you’d answer the phone (email-oriented types tend to expect email to be almost real-time) a phone call response to an email can feel pressuring and invasive. On the other hand, if someone leaves you a voicemail, or you’re following up on a phone call, use the phone; email will seem impersonal to phone-oriented communicators. Email always sounds a bit less friendly than you write it; write a friendly message and it sounds flat and direct; write something that’s flat and direct, and it sounds angry and rude—especially to someone accustomed to the warmth and instantaneous reaction of a human voice.

And, yes, if someone writes you a letter, you write a letter. Even further, if they hand wrote their letter, do the same.

Be what people expect, not what you’re used to being.